long road pt 1

I've been thinking about capturing my journey of rediscovery and how I found the love of my life. It is a story of many wrong turns and stumblings but, eventually, miracles happen and someone "accidentally" enters your life and changes it forever.

First, let me tell you, this is not a "coming out" story. I came out a long time ago, officially in High School when I and my gf went to the prom. When they realized she was a girl, we were not so politely told we had to leave. It was damn funny! I spent many years tweaking the nose of the mainstream. But I digress...

After several years of rambling about, moving from SD to SF, living an unusual existence in underground club, working in theatres, doing nightshift at a call service I made a bad life choice and ended up living a very bizarre life as a straight suburban mother.

I am not going to go into how this happened, the events that occurred leading me to this very anti-me life. Suffice it say, I felt like I was living an alternate life in another plane of existence. Who was this inhabiting my body, raising kids, buying a house, living in the suburbs, working a "normal" job?

I lived this life, sleewalking through events, for many years. I knew who and what I was but decided that kids and friends and job trumped my own happiness. My kids' father and I were good friends, he knew my past and who I really was but was happy to just be my partner on a less intimate level. We built a good house, raised good kids.

But I couldn't maintain the illusion. I was self destructive in a "positive" way. I lived at the gym, working out up to two hours twice a day. Stopped eating. Spent most of my time shut away from my kids, unable to face them. I yearned for my true soul, my real life.

I finally gathered the courage to speak up, to say to the person I had shared my life with that I was leaving. It was not that I had found someone else, unless that someone else was me.

At that point, my life became a living hell. The man who had been my friend now became my tormentor. We could not split because we had a house and kids. We had to sell the house before either of us could leave.

new year, new you? new me? old me?

So, the year has rolled over to a new digit. What exactly does this mean? It is really quite odd that the numeric change causes us all to contemplate our lives and question our direction, evaluate our personal goals. Be it our job, our health, our relationships, we spend the days to peruse it all. That is, unless we spend these days in a drunken party haze!

So, I find myself a bit beyond both of those approaches. I spent many years in a haze, well beyond ever having any desire to contemplate the direction my life was going. Then, I spent many years making big plans and dreaming big dreams on what that year was going to bring! Now, I am happy just to live my days as they come to me.

I have moved to a place where externally everything moves slower. A place internally where I am content.

I have hopes for life, hope for all of us. Hopes for peace and equality. Hopes for love. But I do not put it all in an annual basket of resolutions. Instead, I think we need to just move in our lives in a positive way, living in a way that creates a good path. Live with love.

back from Ishikoro

You know, I keep waiting for this to turn into a peaceful life. I want to sit back on my laurels and contemplate the wonder of the universe without thinking about whether I did the laundry, what I'm making for dinner, did I remember to upload that last file to the site? Life, for the last twelves months has been absolutely insane.

I am whole again and my doctor has completely divorced me, not even occassional dates. Just a simple, "call me if there are any relapses" and annual checkup.

My children's Y contributor has left the state and is living his rather befuddled life 1000 miles away.

I am trying to help get a grassroots LGBT group started here in NW Florida. It is a struggle, everyone is so used to living in shadows. Or, just living and not feeling a part of what is going on nationally. If there are any good resources on how to organize a local group, motivate and contact, links would be greatly appreciated and noted!

Stupid Move

Ok, I am totally mystified by the choice. Why Governor Palin, not Rice, not any of the other strong, powerful Republican female candidates? It just goes to show all of us how little McCain thinks of women. Does he really think we are such suckers that we will jump onto his platform just because he chose a female running mate. That we will vote by gender only? Honestly, I am truly insulted.

How can he be running for President?

As I previously stated, I have found an almost obsessive attraction to the current political race in our country. Every day I sit in my little office, the TV above me, broadcasting punditry of the battle. I have been listening to the speeches and to the slander and am amazed by the political system in this country and the power of the media in the process. However, I am more amazed at the candidates currently running for office. This is, in many ways, a very historical event in our nation.

In my perusal of blogs and quest for more information on the candidates, their histories, their beliefs, I stumbled upon this article written by a man with whom McCain had been a POW in Vietnam. And, as I read it, I thought back to our current President's history. Hadn't he been in the bottom of his graduating class, the partier, who ended up getting bailed out by his rich father?

Honestly, is that the type of person you want running this country? We all remember those people from high school, college, the ones that, for the lack of a better phrase, fucked off. They skated by, getting grades just good enough to pass while you worked full-time and maintained a high GPA, Dean's List, Honor Roll. Yet, in the end, they came out with the same piece of paper you did. According to this article, McCain has never really ever held down a real job. How can he represent the working people of America when he has no concept of what it is like to get up every morning, get your kids off to daycare, drive home every night to make dinner, do homework and get to bed to do it all over again the next day.

I may not believe in all of the things Obama does but the man is one of us. He worked hard for where he is. He did not rely on his father's influence, his father-in-laws money di step up in life, to make a better world for those around him.

birth of a political news junkie

well, I know I spend too many hours at home, alone with my cats, working on the computer. With the return of my children to the portals of learning, I am left talking to the cats. In an effort to maintain some kind of human contact, I have begun watching TV while plugging away on the computer.

I am not a soap opera fan, try to avoid cooking shows because they make me want to eat, and long movies require too much focus, not a good option in a day frequently interrupted by a steady stream of IM's and chats. I have, therefore, stumbled upon the world of political punditry.

Admittedly, I am of the left leaning sort and not a big fan of Fox News. CNN is a bit mainstream but rather dry in their reporting. My true source of inspiration has become MSNBC. I have watched Keith Olberman for months, love his humor (smat-asses are high on my admiration list) and, come to find out, love his guest host!

I am hooked! I've never been a big fan of news. Stuff went on in the world and stuff went on in my life. Didn't have too much time to focus on the former because I was consumed by the latter. Now I have found I have time for the former because it has a great impact on the latter.

So, every day I watch the all day news feeds and see what goes on in this big wide world of ours.

and a very merry to one and all

the day is nearly done, presents long since unwrapped, meals eaten, clean up not yet done. As the day draws to a close I am taken with the happiness we have in this house.

There are still trials and troubles but, for this day, all is at peace. We enjoy each others company and the company of our joined children. For now, we just sit and let it all go by.

I hope everyone else had a truly wonderful day spent with those they love.