long road pt 1

I've been thinking about capturing my journey of rediscovery and how I found the love of my life. It is a story of many wrong turns and stumblings but, eventually, miracles happen and someone "accidentally" enters your life and changes it forever.

First, let me tell you, this is not a "coming out" story. I came out a long time ago, officially in High School when I and my gf went to the prom. When they realized she was a girl, we were not so politely told we had to leave. It was damn funny! I spent many years tweaking the nose of the mainstream. But I digress...

After several years of rambling about, moving from SD to SF, living an unusual existence in underground club, working in theatres, doing nightshift at a call service I made a bad life choice and ended up living a very bizarre life as a straight suburban mother.

I am not going to go into how this happened, the events that occurred leading me to this very anti-me life. Suffice it say, I felt like I was living an alternate life in another plane of existence. Who was this inhabiting my body, raising kids, buying a house, living in the suburbs, working a "normal" job?

I lived this life, sleewalking through events, for many years. I knew who and what I was but decided that kids and friends and job trumped my own happiness. My kids' father and I were good friends, he knew my past and who I really was but was happy to just be my partner on a less intimate level. We built a good house, raised good kids.

But I couldn't maintain the illusion. I was self destructive in a "positive" way. I lived at the gym, working out up to two hours twice a day. Stopped eating. Spent most of my time shut away from my kids, unable to face them. I yearned for my true soul, my real life.

I finally gathered the courage to speak up, to say to the person I had shared my life with that I was leaving. It was not that I had found someone else, unless that someone else was me.

At that point, my life became a living hell. The man who had been my friend now became my tormentor. We could not split because we had a house and kids. We had to sell the house before either of us could leave.