The musings of a bad cat

long road pt 1

2009-03-16T20:54:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about capturing my journey of rediscovery and how I found the love of my life. It is a story of many wrong turns and stumblings but, eventually, miracles happen and someone "accidentally" enters your life and changes it forever.

First, let me tell you, this is not a "coming out" story. I came out a long time ago, officially in High School when I and my gf went to the prom. When they realized she was a girl, we were not so politely told we had to leave. It was damn funny! I spent many years tweaking the nose of the mainstream. But I digress...

After several years of rambling about, moving from SD to SF, living an unusual existence in underground club, working in theatres, doing nightshift at a call service I made a bad life choice and ended up living a very bizarre life as a straight suburban mother.

I am not going to go into how this happened, the events that occurred leading me to this very anti-me life. Suffice it say, I felt like I was living an alternate life in another plane of existence. Who was this inhabiting my body, raising kids, buying a house, living in the suburbs, working a "normal" job?

I lived this life, sleewalking through events, for many years. I knew who and what I was but decided that kids and friends and job trumped my own happiness. My kids' father and I were good friends, he knew my past and who I really was but was happy to just be my partner on a less intimate level. We built a good house, raised good kids.

But I couldn't maintain the illusion. I was self destructive in a "positive" way. I lived at the gym, working out up to two hours twice a day. Stopped eating. Spent most of my time shut away from my kids, unable to face them. I yearned for my true soul, my real life.

I finally gathered the courage to speak up, to say to the person I had shared my life with that I was leaving. It was not that I had found someone else, unless that someone else was me.

At that point, my life became a living hell. The man who had been my friend now became my tormentor. We could not split because we had a house and kids. We had to sell the house before either of us could leave.

new year, new you? new me? old me?

2009-01-02T19:15:00.002-06:00

So, the year has rolled over to a new digit. What exactly does this mean? It is really quite odd that the numeric change causes us all to contemplate our lives and question our direction, evaluate our personal goals. Be it our job, our health, our relationships, we spend the days to peruse it all. That is, unless we spend these days in a drunken party haze!

So, I find myself a bit beyond both of those approaches. I spent many years in a haze, well beyond ever having any desire to contemplate the direction my life was going. Then, I spent many years making big plans and dreaming big dreams on what that year was going to bring! Now, I am happy just to live my days as they come to me.

I have moved to a place where externally everything moves slower. A place internally where I am content.

I have hopes for life, hope for all of us. Hopes for peace and equality. Hopes for love. But I do not put it all in an annual basket of resolutions. Instead, I think we need to just move in our lives in a positive way, living in a way that creates a good path. Live with love.

back from Ishikoro

2008-12-27T10:55:00.000-06:00

You know, I keep waiting for this to turn into a peaceful life. I want to sit back on my laurels and contemplate the wonder of the universe without thinking about whether I did the laundry, what I'm making for dinner, did I remember to upload that last file to the site? Life, for the last twelves months has been absolutely insane.

I am whole again and my doctor has completely divorced me, not even occassional dates. Just a simple, "call me if there are any relapses" and annual checkup.

My children's Y contributor has left the state and is living his rather befuddled life 1000 miles away.

I am trying to help get a grassroots LGBT group started here in NW Florida. It is a struggle, everyone is so used to living in shadows. Or, just living and not feeling a part of what is going on nationally. If there are any good resources on how to organize a local group, motivate and contact, links would be greatly appreciated and noted!

Stupid Move

2008-08-29T11:03:00.002-05:00

Ok, I am totally mystified by the choice. Why Governor Palin, not Rice, not any of the other strong, powerful Republican female candidates? It just goes to show all of us how little McCain thinks of women. Does he really think we are such suckers that we will jump onto his platform just because he chose a female running mate. That we will vote by gender only? Honestly, I am truly insulted.

How can he be running for President?

2008-08-27T13:59:00.002-05:00

As I previously stated, I have found an almost obsessive attraction to the current political race in our country. Every day I sit in my little office, the TV above me, broadcasting punditry of the battle. I have been listening to the speeches and to the slander and am amazed by the political system in this country and the power of the media in the process. However, I am more amazed at the candidates currently running for office. This is, in many ways, a very historical event in our nation.

In my perusal of blogs and quest for more information on the candidates, their histories, their beliefs, I stumbled upon this article written by a man with whom McCain had been a POW in Vietnam. And, as I read it, I thought back to our current President's history. Hadn't he been in the bottom of his graduating class, the partier, who ended up getting bailed out by his rich father?

Honestly, is that the type of person you want running this country? We all remember those people from high school, college, the ones that, for the lack of a better phrase, fucked off. They skated by, getting grades just good enough to pass while you worked full-time and maintained a high GPA, Dean's List, Honor Roll. Yet, in the end, they came out with the same piece of paper you did. According to this article, McCain has never really ever held down a real job. How can he represent the working people of America when he has no concept of what it is like to get up every morning, get your kids off to daycare, drive home every night to make dinner, do homework and get to bed to do it all over again the next day.

I may not believe in all of the things Obama does but the man is one of us. He worked hard for where he is. He did not rely on his father's influence, his father-in-laws money di step up in life, to make a better world for those around him.

birth of a political news junkie

2008-08-23T16:29:00.002-05:00

well, I know I spend too many hours at home, alone with my cats, working on the computer. With the return of my children to the portals of learning, I am left talking to the cats. In an effort to maintain some kind of human contact, I have begun watching TV while plugging away on the computer.

I am not a soap opera fan, try to avoid cooking shows because they make me want to eat, and long movies require too much focus, not a good option in a day frequently interrupted by a steady stream of IM's and chats. I have, therefore, stumbled upon the world of political punditry.

Admittedly, I am of the left leaning sort and not a big fan of Fox News. CNN is a bit mainstream but rather dry in their reporting. My true source of inspiration has become MSNBC. I have watched Keith Olberman for months, love his humor (smat-asses are high on my admiration list) and, come to find out, love his guest host!

I am hooked! I've never been a big fan of news. Stuff went on in the world and stuff went on in my life. Didn't have too much time to focus on the former because I was consumed by the latter. Now I have found I have time for the former because it has a great impact on the latter.

So, every day I watch the all day news feeds and see what goes on in this big wide world of ours.

and a very merry to one and all

2007-12-25T19:16:00.000-06:00

the day is nearly done, presents long since unwrapped, meals eaten, clean up not yet done. As the day draws to a close I am taken with the happiness we have in this house.

There are still trials and troubles but, for this day, all is at peace. We enjoy each others company and the company of our joined children. For now, we just sit and let it all go by.

I hope everyone else had a truly wonderful day spent with those they love.

What the heck does that mean?

2007-12-21T08:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning A and I were discussing dreams with little J, her oldest daughter. Seems she had a bad dream about snakes chasing her and her dog. We were talking about dreams and I mentioned I couldn't remember mine very often anymore.

Well, as I was driving big J to school, it came to me. I remembered the dream I had the night before. It was short but frought with meaning. Here it goes:

I am alone in my car, driving down the feeway in the fast lane. There are other cars on the road, not many but enough to notice. I am not speeding and the traffic seems to be going at the limit (i obviously was not in California!).

Being the observant driver that I am, I notice that the cars ahead of me were swerving out of the lane to avoid a dark patch of something on the road. I think to myself, I do not want to swerve and cause an accident so I'll just stay in my lane and drive on through. As I come upon the spot I realize it is a huge pile of shiny brass tacks.

By then, I knew I had to stay my course so I did not hit my brakes or slow down, I just drove on through. I could hear the small pieces of metal hitting the undercarriage of my car. Little tink, tink, tinks of metal hitting metal. In a matter of seconds I was through the pile and continuing on down the road at the same speed I had been doing.

Now, here is the odd part. Nothing seemed to have happened to my car. In my dream I continued driving for a while but decided to pull off at the next exit to check my car. I came to a stop, got out and proceeded to pull the shiny brass tacks out of the tires and body of my car. The tires did not go flat and the car did not seem to have sustained any damage. After I was done, I got back in my car and continued on my way.

At that point, the dream seems to have come to an end.

I told big J my dream as we were on our way and he said it was an obvious parable of my life. I drive along, hit a patch of stuff that would damage others but it does not affect me. I deal with it and then continue on my journey.

I think he may be right.

What do you think it means? Are there any other interpretations or lessons I can learn from this?

Back in the Race?

2007-12-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

Surgery is done, IV pump has been turned in, prescrition bottles are empty and no more steroids. I am stiff and puffy but starting to feel like myself again! I've actually gone to the gym 3 times this week and had the joy of riding the bike I love so much again. http://www.expresso.net/ . I did eight miles but was a minute behind my ghost. The internal monologue was a fierce battle between feeling like a total loser and trying to reassure myself that is what I should expect for being out for so long and having gone through this ordeal. Unfortunately, the "you shoulda done better" side won out. But I guess that's what keeps me going, knowing I can do better than that. I am my own worse enemy, feeling like what I do is not good enough, I know if I try harder I really can do better.

Can't Win for Losing

2007-11-24T12:19:00.000-06:00

Man, I just can't get ahead of this. It seems the more I try to heal, the deeper I get into the miasma of drugs and symptoms.

After my surgery last week the doctor wrapped me in an Ace bandage containing latex. Well, it seems I have developed an allergy to latex and I broke out in a bad rash. To counteract the allergic reaction to the latex, I took Benadryl. Well, it seems I have an allergy to Diphenhydramine. I woke up Friday morning having difficulty breathing because my mouth, throat and lips had swelled up overnight. I looked like I had gone in for Botox injections! The latex allergy also seems to have triggered an allergic response to the antibiotics I have been getting pumped into my body twice a day in order to fight the initial infection. I live in a house of drug cards that have all come tumbling down.

Now, to counteract the allergic reaction to the vancomysin, I am being put on prednisone, corticosteroids. And one of its side effects is slow wound healing. Isn't that what started all of this? The inability of a wound to heal? And now I get to deal with all of the side effects of the steroids!

I have warned my boys that I may be cranky (moods swings is one of the side effects) and begin looking pudgy (weight gain and swollen face is yet another lovely side effect)!

But, one good thing, I no longer have to take the vanco, I no longer have to pay the $200 a day for the meds. But, with my luck, the prednisone treatments are going to be even more expensive!

Lets just hope the vanco has done its job. Lets hope the infection is gone and I can conquer the effects of the drugs, clear my body of substances and heal.

That is all I want, to heal.

The Anniversary of Freedom

2007-11-19T16:48:00.000-06:00

In the midst of everything, it suddenly dawned on me yesterday that it has been a year since my old life came to its final, bitter end. So, in the trhoes of recovery, I took some time to celebrate all that I have been through and revel in my new life.

Last year on this day, my children and I were traveling in a rented RV with our cats puting miles between us and the life that we had known. For them, it was the only life that they had known. I was wracked with guilt, knowing that is was because of me and the decisions that I had made that they were having to leave their home, their friends. But my whole focus was to put as much distance as possible between myself and their father, the man who had become my jailor, my punisher.

But we were traveling to a new life. I was was moving forward toward my true self and, in doing so, moving toward personal peace, self realization and, what I hoped for most, happiness.

The miles passed beneath the wheels. We stopped at the end of the first day exhausted, disoriented, feeling like we were in a dream. My children were drained. I was drained but I knew I had to continue to be strong for them.

My constant beacon of hope and Light was the one who I was moving toward, the person waiting for me at the end of the journey. She had been by my side for the previous seven months of pain. She had helped to build a support network of friends to ensure my safety and survival.

We woke up the next day and continued to travel on. As each mile passed, the burden lifted little by little. But there was still so much left that was unfinished ahead of me. Old wounds that needed to be healed.

A part of me is missing now

2007-11-17T16:13:00.000-06:00

This week has been one of the worst of my life. I have been trying so hard to fight this infection. I go every day to the clinic, get poked with needles until I look like a junkie and all to no avail. It became too much for my body to take anymore and it began to self destruct.

The constant pain had become a bearable thing. The wound, the stitches, the side effects, all par for the course. But then, my body couldn't hold up and it was either do what I had been fighting so hard not to have to or possibly face not being here at all. So I did it.

My surgery was Thursday afternoon. All went as planned and I was out and home before 5pm. I felt fine the first night. Resolving to deal with the pain; I refused to take pain medication. But then, the bleeding from the sutures. We called the doctor, packed the incision and I went to bed feeling like the nightmare would never end.

I go every day to the infusion center at the hospital. I am now one of the "in" crowd. I no longer have an external IV line, I have been upgraded to a PICC and the meds now go right to my heart, no more long distance travel through my circulatory system.

The other patients there have become my "sick" family. We are all there to support one another. We sit together at the same time every day, toxic medicine being pumped into our veins, trying to give each other hope. We are excited to hear that someone is being "freed", when the doctor has decided that their treatment has been a success and they can resume an infusion free life.

This is not where I thought I would be this time last year. I was in the last days of my preparations to start my new life, to join the one I love. But, even then, I was fighting for my life, keeping myself safe in order to ensure that I would be alive the next day. I guess this is just the next chapter in my survival saga. One more battle to wage, demons to overcome. This time the demons are within me, the infection itself and my damaged sense of self.

It is difficult to have a portion of yourself removed, to know that you will now be disfigured. No longer attractive to your own eyes, difficult to face the loss. I am trying to transcend, but the physical realm is a bit more powerful and it is impossible to see myself as complete.

Let the physical healing begin

2007-10-26T12:17:00.000-05:00

As I sat there today, hooked up to a machine that was pumping medicine into my body, looking around at all of the other souls sharing the same space and time, I realized just how fragile and tenuous it all was. We go through our lives, struggling to find enough time to do our job, spend time with our children, find a little time for ourselves, we forget the larger connection. All of the others out there doing the same thing we are, trying to find their own personal happiness.

I have, for many years, been a closet optimist (guess I was in the closet for several reasons!). I never really put much thought into trying to make myself so and sometimes I think it may just be a really good coping technique I have developed, but I always believe that no matter what, it's going to be okay, things will be turn out the way they were meant to turn out and it will be good.

In all of this, I look for the lesson I am supposed to learn, what am I supposed to carry out with me when this is over? Purelight, you are absolutely correct. I have felt all along that this was a physical manifestation of internal wounds. As I shed the pain of the past, both of this life and the ones before, I will heal. I know this.

But, for now, I will go every morning and sit in a room filled with others trying to mend and use the time watch the sun shine through the windows, feel the glory of life and envision my own healing.

Can I whine and wallow in self pity for a while?

2007-10-25T11:12:00.000-05:00

To make a long story short, I have been dealing with a medical condition for the last 10 months that just won't go away. I have been going to see my doctor about once a week. These visits consist of him looking at it, giving a hurumph, writing me a new prescrition slip for more drugs and sending me on my way. During the short time I have with him I have been gallantly attempting to get him to do SOMETHING to fix me. Refer me to another doctor, try a different approach, anything. All to no avail.

Well, it seems that he had some epiphany (or he's just tired of seeing me and being pestered by me every week) because he has referred me to an infectious wound specialist. It seems I have a serious infection that is going to require me to be hooked up to an IV infusion pump twice a day for the next two weeks at a cost of $150 per infusion. And, it seems, the medication he has been pumping me full of is so strong that it is to only be taken for a few weeks, not months. It has now caused ulcers in my colon and internal bleeding. Super fun!

Now, to say I am furious is an understatement! I have been living with this wound for months, have had it (unsuccessfully) stitched closed twice, have had my insides ripped up from the wrong meds and now have to pay a huge amount of money to fix what never should have been in the first place.

I am not one to scream lawsuit and run for legal representation but it seems I have come to that point. I have contacted a local office to see if my case has any standing. All I want is to be healed and to have my expenses covered. Is that too much to ask?

as I dip my toe in to test the waters...

2007-10-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

I have never been good at interpersonal communication. I guess I can point the finger at my father who is a man of few words but that is taking the cheater's way out. Honestly, it just comes down to time and procrastination and a feeling that nobody is going to read it anyway, so what the heck.

I can't promise much, and I am not here to promote a cause, join a group, be a member of any contingent. I just feel the need to put things down. Not to anyone in particular and not with any agenda.